Perspective

Things I would spend time thinking about or worrying about prior to May 2017:

• Oh no, when was the last meal the kids had something with a vegetable? 
• Shoot, I forgot the clothes in the washer and now they smell like mildew. 
• Why did I volunteer us to do so many things, there is no way I can bake the muffins and get them to school in time for the Teacher Appreciation breakfast. Ugh and I need crushed pineapple for the muffins and need to make another trip to the grocery store.
• Finn still doesn't know his alphabet? Why isn't he interested in learning it? 
• Why can't the kids get along? 

Then May 2017 happened....

After a few weeks of severe discomfort in my stomach after eating I decided to head to the doctor to see if they could help me figure out what was going on and why I was having pain after every meal. I was sent home with instructions to take Zantac everyday and come back in a couple of weeks if things didn't get better. Well, things got worse and it happened fast. I ended up at an urgent care a few days later. I walked in confident that I had gallstones and that we just needed to get my gallbladder out so I could continue with my life. I had a race to train for. I needed to gain back the weight I had lost since eating had become so painful. I had things to do. 

I had an ultrasound that day where they saw something and wanted to get a closer look. So then I had a CT scan. This was all very scary. I got news that day that they saw a mass in my gallbladder but that it could just be sludge or something. After all, the doctors didn't think I fit the criteria for someone that would have a problem with their gallbladder. I was 35, not overweight, had just gotten great results on my blood work and was otherwise healthy. 

The doctor that was originally going to do the surgery to get the gallbladder out sent me in for one last test, an MRI this time.  After looking at the pictures, she decided it would be best to refer me to a surgeon at Stanford. Just in case. 

The next day I had an appointment at the Cancer Center - wait, what? THE CANCER CENTER? I was so overwhelmed with emotion just with the name of the place. I was meeting my surgeon at a Cancer Center? Surely he does regular surgeries too. Obviously this is just where he has his office. Too bad they don't have a different office for the people like me that don't have cancer. Surely mine is just some random growth. Surely he will get in there and see that it is just a bunch of really gnarly gallstones and sludge (whatever that is). Surely it is nothing - I am 35 for goodness sake and I have little people to take care of. He will get it out an I'll be able to run again in a few weeks. It'll be fine. Then I saw that he was a GI oncologist...

After the surgery I knew something was wrong. We waited for results. And we waited. And waited some more. The wait for results seemed to take forever. Then we got them. Cancer. My whole world came crashing down around me. I cried. I questioned. I got angry. I cried some more. What about my family? What about my kids? They need their momma! What did I do to deserve this? This isn't fair - I take care of myself! I can't even begin to describe how devastating it was to receive this news. I was crushed. Totally crushed. 

Once I got my bearings after that terrible news I did what my parents taught me and what any tough Appalachian-raised woman would do: I started the fight. The fight for my life.  In West Virginia I learned that if you are backed into a corner you have one option which is to come out swinging. So, I came out swinging as hard and as sloppy and messy as all get out and will continue to fight this ugly cancer until it backs down. 

It has been a long five months. Six rounds of chemotherapy and 28 radiation appointments later I am pretty sore.  The cancer treatment got in a couple of good punches but I am continuing to fight. I plan to heal from this battle and be stronger than ever. With my treatment plan completed I hope and pray and believe that I will get the best outcome and look forward to clean scans that will prove that I am cancer free. 

But you know what? I don't worry about making sure my kids eat enough vegetables anymore. I don't worry when Q's Halloween costume arrives the day before Halloween and fits me not her. I don't worry that Finn needs 1,000 kisses before going into his kindergarten classroom. I don't worry when they are driving each other nuts. I do worry that I won't get to see them eating vegetables when they are grown up. I do worry that I might not see all of their future Halloween costumes. I do worry that I won't always be around to give him 1,000 kisses. I do worry that I won't always get to hear their bickering. 

And then I stop. 

Because you know what? All any of us have is this very moment. This moment right here. Not the one that just passed or the one that is yet to come, this moment. We can't go back and we don't know what the future holds. So, I make a conscious effort to live as fully as I can in this very moment. I want to life this life to the fullest. 

Leaving day 3 of the 2nd round of Chemo 

Biking the Golden Gate

Like many of you, I grew up watching "Full House".  I loved the beginning of that show, with the slow flyover of the Golden Gate Bridge. As a child I didn't put much thought into San Francisco or the Bridge. But now that I live here I can't help but think of "Full House" when I see it. Isn't it funny how those things work? Well, I experienced a nostalgic moment when we biked across the "Full House" bridge a few weeks ago.

What an amazing life experience. I couldn't help but think of all of the people that have only day-dreamed of visiting San Fransisco to walk/bike/ride across the Golden Gate, and now it is right in our back yard. We drove to the city, parked outside of Golden Gate Park, unloaded our bikes, got the kids fastened in the Burley trailer and took off. How easy is that? (Well, that part was easy. In case you are unfamiliar with San Francisco - it is ridiculously hilly. Thank goodness Joe was with me and he was hauling Q & F). The views leading up to the bridge were spectacular. It was a perfectly clear day everywhere I looked things were clear and beautiful. The temperature was also perfect. We couldn't have picked a better route, or day, or parking spot!

Riding across the bridge was surreal. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was scared when I looked down and saw how far it was to the water. I was invigorated by the beauty around me. I was excited to look over and see the bustle of San Francisco. I was happy to be able to bike with my little family, and it inspired me to learn more about the bridge.

Some bridge fun facts:

• The length of the bridge is 1.7 miles. 
• The bridge spans the area between Pacific Ocean and the San Francisco Bay, and connects San Francisco with Marin. 
• The bridge is not Golden; it is actually International Orange and was chosen by a consulting architect because it was visible in the fog and blended with the surrounding mountains while contrasting with the water and sky.
• The bridge is the most photographed bridge in the world. 

Overall, crossing the bridge was something that I have wanted to do for a while and am overjoyed that the experience was everything I had hoped it would be. When you come to San Francisco, rent a bike and do it! If you already live here, get on out there
!  

Overflowing With Gratitude

While out on a run with Joe a few days ago I was overwhelmed with the feeling of gratitude. This is not the first time this has happened - I am often overcome with that sense of gratitude when I run in our hometown because of the beauty that surrounds me. I look out at the seemingly endless Pacific ocean and the beautiful coastline carved out by the surf and am reminded of how small I am in a big world controlled by someone MUCH bigger than me. It quickly puts me in my place.

The coastal trial where we run and bike. Seriously? Right. Beside. The. Ocean.

This particular day, my mind raced. I realized how blessed my family is and how blessed I am physically to be able to run.
My legs work.
My legs allow me to run.

My body is strong. It can  withstand runs longer than I ever thought possible and workout harder than I thought possible.
I am healthy.
My vision allows me to see the bluffs meeting the sandline, the ocean, the sunrises and sunsets, and all of the beauty around me. I can watch our amazing children grow and change.
My feet carry me miles and miles but hardly ever complain.
I can run. I am fit enough to run.
We have two healthy kids riding in the double stroller. I (sometimes) have enough oxygen to answer their questions as I run.

I am running with my best friend/husband who is pushing said double stroller.
I get to spend my life with someone that respects me, who challenges me, who helps me be a better me.

I have parents that love me and my family more than I can even imagine.
A brother and sister that love and support me no matter what.
I live in one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen.

And the list went on and on......

I am blessed.

It is easy to get caught up in the day to day routine and lose sight of the things that make our life possible. I am glad this run (and others) can help provide that perspective.

Then while out for a run yesterday I saw a man in a wheelchair on bluffs overlooking the ocean. Seeing him remind me, yet again, to be thankful for everything my body can do. There will be a time that I am not able to do the things I can now. So, I will appreciate it, respect it and be thankful for it.

Beautiful Yosemite

We headed home from Vegas via Yosemite (on a whim). After much desert - real desert with sand and tumbleweeds and lots of nothing we finally entered California from Nevada. It is astounding how quickly things come to life (literally) once you enter California. There are trees and normal looking mountains. But all through Nevada from Vegas to California it was desert - no trees, no real mountains and absolutely nothing green.

The desert view out the car window

Once we entered Yosemite I was blown away by the beauty. There were giant sequoias, waterfalls and massive mountains made out of granite. While driving through Yosemite we decided to attempt to make a reservation in the park (we expected them to be totally booked and to stay somewhere outside the park). They had space! They had a tent cabin available. In case you are wondering what a tent cabin is (as I was) it is a cabin that has walls made of canvas, like a tent, but is built on a solid wood platform. It was a single room with 2 twin beds and a queen. Nothing else.  It is in a campground-like set up and it does not have its own bathroom.

By the time we got there to check in, it was dark. Keep in mind we were coming from Vegas and had absolutely no camping gear - no flashlight, sleeping bags, nothing. And while standing in line to check in, I was handed an informational paper about bears and hantavirus (illness caused by rodent droppings). Yuck. I was expected to sign both to acknowledge that I had read them. Yikes. This trip was quickly becoming interesting. To keep bears from vandalizing the car and tent cabin I was told to get every crumb out of my car to put the car seats in the bear box (big metal bins with handles that bears can't open) and not to take food into the tent cabin store it in the bear box. I also watched a video while standing in line to check in that showed a bear pulling the door off of a car to get to the food inside. Keep in mind that our kids had been in our car for a long road trip, and there were tons of crumbs all over their car seats and the back of the car. Needless to say, I was a little shaken up by all of that and pretty much became the crumb/food police.

Anyway, we got to our tent cabin and settled in for the night after a couple of trips (as a family) to the community bathrooms. We were a little more prepared for hotels in Vegas than for "roughing" it in nature. We were used to mid-80's and it was chilly at night in Yosemite. We could have packed a little more appropriately if we had realized we were going to add this stop. Thankfully our tent cabin was heated. So, I guess I have to take back the "roughing" it comment.

We woke up early and headed out for a hike to Vernal Falls. The kids were super excited to hike but couldn't care less about the beauty surrounding them. I had a different perspective. I couldn't believe this place. How can something like this exist? Thank goodness for people recognizing how special it was and preserving is as a national park (after, ironically, the said people who preserved it took it from Native Americans who seemed to be doing a fine job preserving it until the gold prospectors showed up).

The Vernal Falls hike was steep and had lots of steps that were cut into the rock itself. Quinn was a champ and hiked the whole thing! Joe was a champ and carried Finn most of the way. I was a champ and continued on after a mild queen-out about the possibility of any of my family members falling and dying. We were seriously on the edge of a super steep rock and a long fall would have landed you on another large rock.

The top of Vernal Falls

After a super fun hike we grabbed a late lunch and headed on our way home. I was so glad we decided to incorporate Yosemite into our vacation. I was also happy to end a very busy Vegas trip with a nature filled beautiful experience.

Vegas Family Vacation

We just returned from a family vacation to Las Vegas. Yep, you read that correctly - we went on family vacation with our 2.5 and 4.5 year old children to Vegas. I had never visited Vegas before. Joe has been there several times before. We wanted to pick a spot that would still be warm enough to get into an outdoor swimming pool and also has a lot of activities to offer. We didn't want to spend a ton of money going somewhere like Hawaii or Mexico as we would pretty much be stuck in our room for nap (1-4ish) and around 7pm for bedtime.

Oh. My. Goodness. We had a blast. We were never lacking for fun activities to do with the kids. There is so much to do there with a family. We had the kids playing blackjack at the tables, trying their luck with the slot machines and we even taught Finn how to play poker with a straight face. Totally kidding. Surprisingly we didn't spend a penny on gambling!

Instead we stayed in a castle. We booked adjoining rooms at Excalibur because we knew that both kids would be totally stoked to stay in a castle. We were right. And, they could see the castle peaks from our room. They were very excited.

We went to Circus Circus to see some circus acts which kept both us and the kids entertained. We also played a bunch of carnival games. Joe and I are both super competitive so even carnival games can get a little out of hand.

We rode the High Roller - the world's tallest observation room. Finn had been asking to ride this since we arrived and we finally decided to go see what all the fuss was about. As it turns out it is kind of like a ferris wheel - except it moves super slow and is super high. The ride takes about 30 minutes from beginning to end and you are inside a glass bubble the whole time. The view of Vegas is outstanding from up there. It was interesting to see where the city ends and desert begins. I couldn't help but wonder how this city was formed in the first place as it is completely surrounded by desert. Who decided it would be a good idea to build there? However, poor little Finn fell asleep in the stroller on the way and stayed asleep through the whole experience.

We watched the fountain show at The Bellagio as well as salivating at the chocolate fountain and admiring the botanical garden. I was in awe at the dancing fountains show. How do they do that? And, the botanical garden! It was beautiful - they had several huge fall decorations (apples, squirrels, trees) and many of the decorations were made from fresh flowers. We saw them working on one of the huge apples while we were there. I asked some questions and found out that the pieces with real flowers have to be redone every day. It was very pretty and obvious that a lot of care is put into the garden.

We cruised around in New York New York casino and admired all of the lady liberty statues. Quinn is very interested in the Statue of Liberty since she learned about her and the history of her. It was a little confusing to explain to her that this isn't Ellis Island but yes that is "a" Statue of Liberty. She didn't care to her it was "the" Statue of Liberty. I doubt she will realize the significant size difference when she sees the real thing. We also saw Lady Liberty created from Jelly Belly jellybeans and carved from a huge chunk of Hershey's chocolate.

We swam.

We shopped. Well, Joe and I shopped. The kids ran around like feral cats while we grabbed some things we thought we would like, threw our credit card at the cashier and then took off to chase after them.

We played in the fun dungeon. The fun dungeon is similar to Chuck E. Cheese without the pizza. This was located in our castle so we hit it up a couple of times. The kids enjoyed all of the games. Joe and I enjoyed the basketball shooting games and the throw the balls in the castle window type of game.

We checked out the fish in the aquarium at the Mirage Hotel. There are so many different types, sizes and colors.

We attended a dinner show "Tournament of Kings". The kids enjoyed this show. It was similar to the Dixie Stampede (for all you southerners reading). They feed you food that you eat without utensils as you are transported to Medieval times with people riding horses, dancing maidens, jousting sword fights - all while you dig into a cornish hen with your fingers. Both Quinn and Finn were angels during this show because it was so entertaining.

Finn and I went on a gondola ride at the Venetian Hotel.  Joe and Quinn enjoyed some gelato instead and watched us coming and going. Finn really wanted to ride in the boat around the hotel. So, we did.

We rode the Monorail several times. Yes, that is the public transportation system that takes you from one end of the strip to the other with stops in between - but, both Q & F would have been happy if all they did was go back and forth all day.

The whole family was totally exhausted at the end of each day. If you are looking for a relaxing vacation this probably isn't the destination for you. We were moving from the time the kids woke up until they went to sleep at night. Sometimes naps happened in the stroller and sometimes they got skipped. Thank goodness for 7:00 bedtimes.

Needless to say I was impressed with Vegas and Joe had an experience unlike any of his past trips there. We were pleased with the destination and the experience as a whole.

From there we headed to Yosemite. The next post will be dedicated to that excursion. Could we have picked 2 destinations that are more different?

Sweet Briggs

Our dog died. Which means: My ever ready running partner died. My foot warmer died. My constant furry companion died. Our house greeter died. Our first pet died. A member of our family...

Briggs was our fur baby. He was such an easy dog to be around. He was easy to train and always wanted to please. He only had one accident in the house. Ever. 

I drew a hard line when we got him and said that he wasn't allowed to sleep in our room. I never had a dog in the house growing up and I didn't want him in my bedroom. The first night he cried and cried in his crate. The next night we let him sleep outside of our bedroom door blocking him from coming in with a baby gate. Then, the next night he was sleeping in the floor beside us. That is where he stayed. He broke me down and I am glad he did. 

He loved being with us as much as we loved being with him. He enjoyed running, walking, dog parks, the snow, the beach - he seemed to love everything. And he did everything with us. He ran around the dog park in Morgantown like he owned the place.  I loved watching him interact with the other dogs there. He was as good with stranger dogs as he was with his own human family. He loved to attempt dominant dog status by exerting his masculinity (he had a little humping problem). 

When it was cold and snowy in Morgantown we would want to stay inside but he was the reason that we would bundle up and head outdoors. I loved watching him jump in and out of the snow. He would burrow his face all the way down into the snow like he was trying to get to the ground. We never understood why he liked doing that so much but it was so darn cute every time he did. 

I think he liked the sand as much as he liked the snow. He sprinted round and round when we went to the beach, running circles around us, literally. He liked to run really fast beside the kids and graze them with his hip as he went by. This always knocked them down - but so gently.

When Quinn was born, he got sidelined a little, and even more when Finn was born. He didn't care. He was glad to have human siblings. He liked to sleep beside Quinn's crib when she was a baby. He didn't mind when they dressed him up for the holidays or made him wear a stethoscope and be Dr. Briggs. 

When both Quinn and Finn first learned to crawl - he was the one they wanted to go to. They wanted to poke him. Prod him. Pet him. Pull his fur. And he didn't budge. They always giggled so hard when he would wag his tail and tickle their faces. He was always so gentle with them. 

I remember walking into the room when Quinn was around a year old and in her exersaucer. Her face was soaked and her hair was sticking straight up.  She was looking at Briggs with a smile on her face. He must have given her tons of kisses when I stepped out of the room (more likely though he found some food residue that tasted yummy and licked every last little bit off). 

Briggs was always ready for a run. He trained for three half marathons with me. He trained with Joe for a half marathon and a mini-triathalon. (Granted, Joe’s training was three long runs.) He ran at least 3 miles most days of the week, and became an amazing running partner. He never complained when I slowed down to catch my breath and didn't mind when I cut our run a little short, or when I roused him from a sound sleep to head out for an early run, or when I waddled very slowly on walks when I was pregnant. He didn't care. He was so happy to be with us. 

More than anything, Briggs helped me feel safe. He was gentle, but he looked like a wolf. And I think some people were scared by his one blue eye and one brown eye – his stare could be disconcerting. But I could go out at night with him and know that I was safe. He helped me feel safe when Joe was gone. Joe’s gone right now, and I wish Briggs was here.

Oh yeah, the hair. Man, the hair. Being a Siberian Husky he had a lot of hair. He shed all of the time. Joe was the one who brushed him most often. He could fill up a grocery bag of hair every time he did this. If he did it everyday - he would fill up a bag everyday. We vacuumed a lot. I never thought I would miss all of the hair, but I do. I miss having hair stuck to all of my outfits. I miss him. 

Joe and I have struggled with his passing more than either of us thought possible. He was part of our family. He was "our" first pet. We got him three years into our dating relationship. We went to a breeder which turned out to be a little more like a puppy mill and picked him because we knew he would be a perfect fit for us, and he was. He has been there through it all: dating, engaged, married, job changes, 1st baby, 2nd baby, cross country move. He saw and heard more about my life than anyone else in the past 8 years. I miss him terribly.

As I write this with tears streaming down my face I can't help but realize how different things will be without him.  Our lives have been changed by a dog.

He made me a better person. Really. He made me think of someone besides myself. He taught me responsibility. I was 25 and selfish when we got him. In the matter of a few months he taught me who was the boss. He prepped us for having children. I learned from him. 

I am so proud that we got to be his human family. I was proud when I cradled him in my arms all the way home when we got him. I was proud when I was out with this beautiful creature. I was proud when I was at home with this gentle being. I was proud to be with him and I believe he was proud to be with us.

As we move forward without him we are doing things with the kids to help them remember him. The kids are making a "Briggsy" craft that they want to keep in their rooms. We have tons of pictures of him. We plan on doing a little memorial together as a family at the beach. I am sure that I will continue to miss him but I will cling to all of the wonderful memories that we had with him. I will never forget him. And, I doubt I will ever get another dog because it could never live up to the awesomeness of Briggsy. 

The Sweet Smell of West Virginia

Sorry about the delay in posting. I was in West Virginia for the past three weeks. My parents have a hot spot for internet but it moves super slow as there is minimal cell service at their house. C'mon Frontier! You have been promising high speed for about a year now!

Our trip back to West Virginia was amazing. I stepped out of the airport in Charleston and breathed in the air. There is something about summer West Virginia air that is smells different than anywhere else. It is fresh and humid and perfect. I never really appreciated it while living there probably because I didn't really know anything different but it is a smell that calms me immediately. Or does the calm come from surviving another cross country trip with the littles by myself?

The kids and I spent a lot of quality time with my parents. Q and F worked in the garden with my dad picking beans, corn, tomatoes, cabbage, pumpkins and much more. They also climbed apple trees and picked apples. We always did these things when I was small but now it seems special. I always dreaded working in the garden when I was little. It was always so hot and it seemed like I always got in trouble in the garden. That sounds funny, but it is true. Either I didn't lay the rows out straight or I stepped on the beans while pulling weeds or found a clump of dirt that I couldn't resist throwing at my brother, Seth.

When I was younger I assumed that everyone canned their own fruits and vegetables. Nope. I was wrong. Most people don't know how to do this. Most people don't realize the flavor they are missing out on by buying their canned fruits and vegetables from the store. Unfortunately, I do realize this. I buy canned vegetables and miss the true flavor that was sealed in the jars that were canned in mom's kitchen. I also realized this when my sister rolled in to visit while we were there with a checked bag that my brother sent for her to fill up with fresh vegetables and canned goods to take back to him. I was reminded of this because while we were home my parents were canning beans, apple pie filling, kraut and tomatoes.

One day I hope to live a more sustainable lifestyle. I would love to retire to a place where we "live off of the land". When I tell Joe this he laughs. He says we would die if we had to be self sufficient.

The littles and I had a great time getting spoiled by Grammie and Poppy and visiting with all of our West Virginia family and friends.

I will give more updates on our trip in upcoming posts!