Letter to single parents

Dear Single Parents,

How do you do it? I have no idea how you are able to take care of your child 100% of the time, all the time. I had a tiny dose of being a single mom of two for six months when Joe moved out to CA while I was finishing my job in WV, and also for a couple of recent week long trips he has gone on for work.

Most recently, he was in Sweden for a week. Yes, I understand I am only talking about one small piece of being a single parent. I am not taking into account the task overload, financial strain, lack of male/female influence, the lack of time (all the time) for yourself, dating, childcare, custody issues and so much more. I am only talking about my other half being gone for a short period.

But shew, that short period of time can be super hard sometimes. And if that is so hard on me I can only imagine how hard life is for a single parent all of the time. I can usually tap out at 5pm when Joe walks through the door. I can shirk my parental responsibilities and know that the kids will be okay because another parent/adult is there to oversee things. I have someone to debrief with. And, I have someone that sees to it that I take care of myself physically and emotionally. I am lucky.

The biggest challenges of the past week were: Finn's early-morning wake ups, dropping the hammer, taking the dog out, nutritious meals and screen time. So, I think Finn was impacted by Joe being gone based on his sleep schedule. He has pretty much always slept from 7-6:15 (I know- people reading this that have had babies that don't sleep want to karate chop me right now). But last week he made sure to wake up sometime in the 5 o'clock hour. What the heck? That really makes for a long morning before the much needed nap time. I looked at the clock a couple of days fully expecting it to be at least noon when it was really only 10am.

Last week I decided that I need to tweak the kids behavior on a couple of things before they got out of hand so I "dropped the hammer". It is HARD being the only one enforcing the rules. I am used to having my partner here to help make sure we immediately enforce consequences when they exhibit undesired behaviors. It was hard to follow through when it was just me - sometimes I just wanted to sit down and finish my dinner - not send Finn to timeout for throwing his.

Taking Briggs out gets complicated when Joe is gone. It isn't something that is unbearable, but it does take extra planning and persuasion - planning to get the kids ready to go out, and persuasion to get Q to put on regular clothes instead of a princess dress. (On warm mornings this isn't a battle.) The list is exhaustive: persuasion to get Finn to sit down to get his shoes on, persuasion to get Q out the door without putting on lipstick (chapstick), persuasion to get Q to wear comfy shoes not dress-up princess heels that are too big, persuasion to get Finn to give me the leash instead of dragging Briggs around the house, persuasion to get them to walk the same direction that I am headed. And the list goes on….

Fortunately, persuasion isn't needed to get the kids to eat the crap I give them when I'm single-parenting. Nutritious meals are easily sacrificed without the help of another. Either I don't have the energy to make a dinner and clean the kitchen, or I don't have the ingredients I need. However, they did get something yummy and nutritious on days that they had more screen time.

And speaking of screen time, it was at an all time high. (Other than the time that both Joe and I got food poisoning - but that's a record that will never be broken.) They got to watch a couple of episodes of their favorite show almost daily! Yes, I know the research. You can take the research and shove it (especially when I am all by myself).

Needless to say, I am glad Joe is back and that we are back in our routine. Single parents - keep rocking it, your job is thankless but soon enough your littles will recognize how amazing you are.

Sincerely,
Frazzled Mom

The Beach

The coldest winter I ever spent was a July day on the beach in Half Moon Bay. Ha! A famous quote often incorrectly attributed to Mark Twain is "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." However, my dad decided to switch it around a little to describe his first trip to the beach by our house. It was super cold. According to the weather app on my phone the wind was blowing at 25mph which made it feel much colder.

We only stayed long enough for my my parents to get a quick look around at the beautiful scenery. Even though we have been here for a year now and I go to the beach often - I still can't believe the beauty at "our" beach. It is like nothing I have ever seen - the bluffs, the waves, the mountains, the sound of the ocean, the seclusion. It is absolutely breathtaking.

Luckily we were able to hit the beach on a nice day too. We scoured the beach looking for shells, watched the kids roll in the sand and even watched dad and the kids dip their toes in. Well, dipping their toes in turned into getting completely in the water. I am sure that my parents had a fun time at the beach and am positive that my little people loved being there with Grammie and Poppy.

A visit!

Sorry about the delay in posting. I have been busy enjoying a visit from my PARENTS! That's right, both of them! My dad finally broke down and made the trip across the country to see me. Ha! Who am I kidding? He came to see Q & F. I am positive he never would have visited if it was just me and Joe. And, nothing can keep my mom from seeing the babies - this marked her 3rd trip. I can't even begin to describe how happy I was this past week having them here.

I figured my dad would never make the trip out here for a couple of reasons:

1. It is far away from home and he is somewhat of a homebody/mountain man 
2. He basically said he didn't have any business in CA and wouldn't be coming. 

That all changed when he secretly told Quinn, 7 months ago, that they would come visit after winter was over. It was amazing  that she didn't say a peep about it until the day I needed to pick them up from the airport. Can you believe that? A 4 year old has been keeping that secret for 7 months?! That is impressive. She, Grammie and Poppy have been talking about it but she never told me. There were numerous secret trips to her room to talk to Poppy and Grammie on the phone as the three of them schemed. I knew only because my parents told me for planning purposes. She has been so excited about their trip but never spilled the beans.

My kids spent the week getting spoiled by my parents. I love watching them enjoy time with my mom and dad. The transformation that happens to parents when they become grandparents never ceases to amaze me. I wouldn't have gotten away with 1/4 of what my littles get away with. I wouldn't have been allowed ice cream 2x in one day, or powdered donuts every morning, or cheetos for snack, or any toy I requested while at the supermarket, or a constant playmate in them, or to stay up way past my bedtime. I let go of the reins when my parents are with the kids while they spoil them. Then I spend the next week getting them back in line. Q understands that Grammie and Poppy have different rules. When I ask what their rules are she says "to have fun".

Thanks a lot kid. I guess in an effort to raise contributing members to society I have lost my "fun" factor.

I have been excited for this week since I found out in April and have been counting down the days. Now, the trip is over. My parents are back in West Virginia. Why do these things take so long to arrive but end so quickly?

I plan to share some of our outings in the next few posts. Stay tuned :)

Escaping Facebook

I was talking with a friend the other day while she was looking at her phone. Mid conversation, she began informing me of the happenings on Facebook.  I don't know the majority of her friends.  So, basically I didn't care about her news feed. I REALLY didn't care. But my annoyance reinforced my own belief that I made the right choice in eliminating Facebook as a distractor in my life.

I have been far more present in life since I "quit". During the chat with my friend several things were brought up by her based on what she read on Facebook. I couldn't help but wonder why we weren't talking about things that were happening in our "real" lives. After all, we were together - in real life, the two of us.

I know I sounded like that before I "quit" too. I am sure that I have said "Did you see X on Facebook" or "I saw such and such on Facebook"  or "What? You aren't on Facebook?" more times than I would like to count. Guess what? I don't say that anymore! Yay! It feels good to be talking about what is actually happening in the moment.

And guess what? Every since I quit Facebook I don't feel guilty about having breakfast as dinner for two nights in a row. I don't feel guilty about using soap that I buy at the store instead of soap made from scratch. I don't get caught up in issues that don't affect me. I don't beat myself up for missing a workout after seeing my friends' status updates. I don't feel like I need to be on some secluded beach drinking drinks with little tiny umbrellas just because someone else is. I don't get angry about someone preaching one minute and cursing the next. I don't whip out my phone in an effort not to be alone. I don't hear all of the noise that distracts from my amazing life. Yep, my life is amazing. It is sometimes hard to realize how amazing your life is when you see everyone's brag book plastered in front of you.

Since quitting Facebook I have realized that I am a better me. I appreciate the awkward silence. I have conversations with strangers. I am more appreciative of the beauty around me. I call or text my friends more often. I read more. I run because I want to run (not because I need to go farther/faster than my friend. Kidding, kind of). I hardly look at my phone.

And no, I STILL DON'T want to play Farm Town or Diamond Dash or Bejewled whatever it is. Instead I choose to play: Hi Ho Cherry-O, The Ladybug game, Thinkfun Roll and Play, Connect Four, Eeboo Tea Party game and a modified form of Yahtzee with little people. No amount of enjoyable Facebook gaming can compare to their faces when I sit down with them to play a game. And, I don't have to try to recruit other players in order to advance levels! I don't need someone to give me a goat in order to keep playing!

I do realize that not everyone is affected by Facebook in the way that I was. I am not dissing anyone for having Facebook. I am simply telling you that I am glad that I "quit". I am sharing my experience and how that experience has helped me be more mindful. Do what works best for you. Me? I'm better without it.


Quick Q & A

Do you see the irony in the fact that you quit Facebook but started a blog?
Yes. Totally. The difference is that I try to be thoughtful in my blog posts. I don't mindlessly scroll, like, share and post. And I also only work on my blog when the littles are sleeping. 

Have you seen the social media video that cannibalizes social media?
Yes, here's the link. Ironically, I first saw this on Facebook. It had a big impact on my decision to quit.

Rain?

The past three mornings I have woken up, looked out the window and wondered, "is this rain?" You might think that I am looking for rain because California is experiencing a severe drought. California has had three years of below average rainfall. To me, this is normal California living since we moved here only a year ago in the midst of the drought. All kidding aside - it is a big problem and we have been asked to voluntarily reduce our usage by 20%.

However, the drought is not the reason I have been asking myself "is this rain?" The real reason is because I am really trying to figure out if it is raining here. I've spent my whole life up to this point on the east coast and have NEVER questioned if it was raining. Back home, you know whether it is raining, and more often than not you had better head for cover.

I have been drenched by rain, a combination of rain/hail, drizzle, wintry mix, and every other type of precipitation. But I have never seen anything like the "rain?" that we have here in Half Moon Bay. It isn't falling from the sky; it is simply moisture hovering in the air, but it is much thicker than fog. For example, I took the kids for a walk in the stroller and used the wind/rain shield, which soon had drops of water flowing down it. But no drops of water ever fell on it. I had on a rain coat which also got soaked. But, there wasn't rain. Isn't that weird? The sidewalk and road were wet and small puddles had formed but it wasn't raining. I don't get it. Water is dripping from the gutters - but still, no rain is falling.

I went to the ocean to get some answers. Ha! In coastal states back east you can go to the ocean and watch raindrops fall on the ocean during storms. So, I figured the ocean could clear up the question of rain for me. I get to the ocean and look out  - nope, no drops falling on the water. But, water is blowing around in the air like someone sprayed a mist of water from a bottle. What the heck?

Pictures from my walk to the ocean to "get answers"

Is this fog? Nope. I have experienced that here before. The first run I went on after moving here the water pooled on my eyelashes and fell like tears and my face and arms were wet but not from sweat. I have had many more runs like that one. So, I get it - the fog can sometimes be thick here. That was new for me but now I get it. I have also experienced rain here (only 2x). It is not like a rain that I am used to but a legit rain here does occasionally fall from the sky. The past couple of days it has been more than fog but less than rain.

I had to get to the bottom of this so I asked my local friend, Nicole. Her reply: "it is yucky fog rain". It is fog, but not really. It is rain, but not really.

This makes me wonder if the humidity would actually be droplets in the air back east if the air was cooler in the summer. Hmmmm. Clearly, I should have paid more attention in science class.

Swim Lessons

We enrolled the kids in swim lessons a) so they could learn to swim, obviously and b) it would be a shame for us to live 1/2 mile away from the seemingly endless Pacific ocean with two little people that can't swim. This is a town where people walk around with surfboards, wetsuits, and bare feet. A town where they ride with a surfboard attached to their bike, or have a kayak attached to the roof of their car, or are carrying an oar and a paddleboard to hop on the ocean and stand up paddleboard.

Me stand up paddleboarding right before I fell in

So with some research (a quick 5 minute google search - I refer to google searches as research) I found a place that seemed like a good fit and had classes twice per week for a month. I wanted classes that were held at least two times a week so they would remember things from one session to the next. I also wanted a place that had a heated pool where we could practice on off days. I realize the heated pool comment makes me sound  a little "yuppie" and just to clarify I am not "yuppie". At all. I am more of a "crunchy" wannabe.

This is the description of F's class that I pulled from the center we attend: This interactive class is designed for babies to become comfortable swimming independently in and under the water by working together with their parents in the pool. Babies will learn to be relaxed while floating independently on their backs and swimming with their eyes down for a distance of three to five feet. They will also be introduced to pop-up breathing.

Doesn't that description make you want to join because it would be relaxing to be with your child as they learn to swim? Not this kid. He is like a feral cat. Joe attends the classes with him. I have watched him each time and am always surprised at his lack of fear. I wonder if this is a 2 year old thing, a boy thing, a second kid thing or a Finn thing. In his class he tries to wiggle away from Joe, attempts to swim, launches himself backward so he can do a spin underwater, pours buckets of water on his head, jumps in from the pool deck - he is out of control.

In the initial session the instructor commented to Joe, "I have never seen anything like this in a first class session." During the class the swim instructor tries to work kids up to pouring a bucket of water on their head by having them pour it in the water, then on the back of the head, then on the top of the head. Meanwhile F is taking his bucket and dumping it on his face. She attempts to get the children used to blowing bubbles underwater. Meanwhile, F is completely submerged  three feet under blowing bubbles. He has no intentions of listening to what the instructor says. Ever. He doesn't aim to please anyone. He is only interested in doing what he wants to do. I would argue that his version is probably preparing him to swim more rapidly than his class, but who's to judge?

She told us that she would like to promote him to the next class after hers ends. However, she is afraid that he won't be able to sit on the steps and follow directions from the instructor. The parent is not in the water with the child and they sit on the step to listen and learn before having a turn to practice. I agree. He will not sit on the step. My guess is that he will jump from the step into the water, splash on the step, break the concrete step, dunk another kid in his class, pull his shorts down and pee on the pool deck or anything else you can imagine. He will not sit on the step and listen.

However, Q is enrolled in the "Tadpoles" class.  Q is a lot more calm in her class. She sits on the step patiently and waits her turn. She listens to every word the instructor says and seeks approval. She tries really hard to stay on task. She is learning how to swim and will probably have it down in the next month. She is so proud when the instructor is happy with her. She smiles from ear to ear when she is complimented. And, she has only been threatened with the top step once - when she wouldn't stop sticking her head underwater while the instructor was working with other students.

As you can see we have two little people that couldn't be any more different. It makes things interesting in every aspect. These swim lessons have been more of a lesson for me. They have highlighted the distinct differences between Q & F. I observe these differences in personality on a daily basis but am usually so consumed with taking care of them (and keeping Finn alive) that I don't take the time to let it soak in. At swim lessons I see it all. And, it is funny. And, I am proud. I am proud of my rambunctious baby boy and my adult pleasing little lady.

Lessons for me and for them.

The Less Complete Book

Learning to swim….hmmm, I don't really remember learning to swim.  I have recently been pondering how I mastered the skill as we have recently enrolled both of the littles in lessons.

For those of you that don't know, I am the baby of the family. I am the third child. Why do I share this with you? Because, I am sure that my older sister had swim lessons and probably my brother too. However, I am almost 100% confident that someone tossed me into the deep end and told me that  I should swim or I would sink. I know this because I have seen the "baby book".

The baby book is a book where my mom documented our milestones and cute little pictures of us doing funny things. Reading my baby book it would appear that I was born, at some point I got two teeth, talked to a cat that hung out on our deck and learned to potty. That's it. That is all I ever did as a child. My sister on the other hand: she was born, rolled over, cooed, sat up, got EACH of her teeth, learned to potty, recited poetry at age 2, dipped a fry in ketchup, got her first black eye, broke her tooth on a frozen turkey at the grocery store, crawled, took her first step, took swim lessons yada yada yada.

Fast forward from my sister's baby book to 18 years later:

My sister was exploring colleges. She settled on West Virginia University and off we all went, the whole family, to accompany her to orientation. Not long after orientation we made another trip to Morgantown to move into her "honors dorm" (of course she was in the honors dorm). We helped carry her stuff up about 7,000 of the steepest steps I had ever seen. We got her all nice and comfortable to start college life. After we got her all set up we went home.

We went home to a different home. Home to a place where she no longer lived with us. This tore my mom to pieces. It was a very hard time for her. Her baby was in college and 3.5 hours from home. Tonya was having to take care of herself for the first time. Mom cried and cried (I had barely ever seen her cry before this).

My brother started college a couple of years later and decided to commute from home so this transition wasn't nearly as difficult on her.

Then, it was my turn to go - the baby, the last pumpkin on the vine (that's what my dad says). Surely everyone would be sad that I too had settled on WVU and would be headed there in August?? Nope. No sadness. No emotion. Orientation day came and thankfully my brother agreed to take me to Morgantown to meet up with my sister so I could learn the ropes. Yeah right, learn the ropes. She basically stopped in the pedestrian crosswalk in front of the student union, flung open the door of her 1996 Dodge Neon and threw me out, where I attempted to navigate a huge university orientation all by myself. I talked with an advisor, listened to some "important" people talk, took a placement test and tried to figure out how to get back to her apartment.

About a month later it was time to leave home to move to Morgantown. No one cared. No really, they didn't care. I don't even think they realized I no longer lived there until I had children ten years later and they had to drive to Morgantown to see them ;). Kidding. Kind of.

I say all of this because now I totally understand. Q's baby book reads like a novel. I wrote down everything. F has a few things littered here and there on the pages. He didn't accomplish nearly the amount of things Q did according to the "baby book". But, somehow he is doing everything that she was. Funny how that works.

I can see how everything will be harder for me when Q goes through it. It has been and will be the first of everything. I will be a wet rag at Kindergarten registration. I will be crying like a baby at her elementary graduation.  I am certain I will sob when we allow her to go out on her first date. And prom,  sports injuries, high school graduation, post high school plans, relationships?? I don't even want to think about how hard those things will be. But with F things will be easier. Not because I love him any less or because he is a boy or because he is a bruiser that could single handedly tear down anything that gets in his way. But because I will have already experienced those things and overcome the fear of them. The fear of letting them grow up - of letting them go.

Me, Q, F, my mom and her favorite daughter Tonya

I don't fault my mom for my baby book or my transition to college. I applaud her. She survived that and so many things two times before. I have never doubted the love she has for me or thought that she loved either my brother or sister more. I will never love Q more than F or F more than Q. I might cry more the first time I go through things but not because of favoritism.

In the meantime, I will enjoy everything that happens. I take that back - I will enjoy most of what happens. I will enjoy watching them grow up into the children, preteens, teens, young adults and adults we are working to shape. While Quinn's baby book may continue to be more complete, we will teach both of them to make good choices, just as my parents taught me. And I will hope for the best.

Quick Q & A:

Will you stop giving your mom such a hard time about Tonya being her favorite?

Not a chance ;) 


Will you feverishly fill out pages of Finn's baby book with guesstimates of dates after you post this?

Probably.